Thats right. I said it. I give a big middle finger welcome to Anxiety. No, not just a little finger, but a BIG middle finger. It has taken me forever to acknowledge and seek help for my anxious ways, but after I began my journey of acceptance and moving forward I am finally beginning to understand what it is and how it has affected me.
So, to those of you who have never dealt with anxiety: It feels as if you are swimming in the middle of the ocean trying to tread water but you have no arms and baby legs to help you stay on top of the water. It sucks.
Looking back on my life I think I have always been a very anxious person though. From what I have learned through intensive talks and processing moments, I have always, ALWAYS felt very anxious when I met up with friends at school and out of school. I was anxious for years when it came to playing sports and often questioned whether I was good enough to truly be on some teams that I was on. I mean for goodness sakes, when I would have to go up a flight of stairs I would count each one. I was and still get very anxious when I am around certain family members. From what I have gathered, my anxiousness is due to my self insecurities of being “good enough” and wanting to please others. But hey, we all have our issues right?
So, how do I overcome my anxiousness? Great question. I asked this same question to a friend and their response was simple, yet mind-blowing. Their response was to be present and to not let myself question the “what if’s”. And if I do question the “what if’s” I need to be mindful that I am trying to think too far ahead and I just need to enjoy the ride. Sounds pretty simple, but my goodness is it hard for me.
I will say that I have tried doing this twice in the past week and have tried to become more social. I went to my work Christmas party and even stayed after when they asked me to && I went to my friends Holiday Dinner that we normally have every year. Both of these I knew where going to have many people there and I wasn’t going to be able to hide myself in a corner. I was going to have to be social and that is just what I did.
I have lost touch with many friends and relationships due to my anxiety and not being as social as I was in previous years, and that does suck. It’s not that I didn’t care about them or that they didn’t care about me, it’s just that I didn’t know how to express what I was going through and too concerned with the “what if’s” to truly be a really good friend. For that, I am sorry.
In the future I am trying to make sure that I acknowledge the “what if’s” but that I get over them and just go for it. Otherwise, I will be missing out on some great adventures.
Until next time,