Fuck Anxiety

Thats right. I said it. I give a big middle finger welcome to Anxiety. No, not just a little finger, but a BIG middle finger. It has taken me forever to acknowledge and seek help for my anxious ways, but after I began my journey of acceptance and moving forward I am finally beginning to understand what it is and how it has affected me.

So, to those of you who have never dealt with anxiety: It feels as if you are swimming in the middle of the ocean trying to tread water but you have no arms  and baby legs to help you stay on top of the water. It sucks.

Looking back on my life I think I have always been a very anxious person though. From what I have learned through intensive talks and processing moments, I have always, ALWAYS felt very anxious when I met up with friends at school and out of school. I was anxious for years when it came to playing sports and often questioned whether I was good enough to truly be on some teams that I was on. I mean for goodness sakes, when I would have to go up a flight of stairs I would count each one. I was and still get very anxious when I am around certain family members. From what I have gathered, my anxiousness is due to my self insecurities of being “good enough” and wanting to please others. But hey, we all have our issues right?

So, how do I overcome my anxiousness? Great question. I asked this same question to a friend and their response was simple, yet mind-blowing.  Their response was to be present and to not let myself question the “what if’s”. And if I do question the “what if’s” I need to be mindful that I am trying to think too far ahead and I just need to enjoy the ride. Sounds pretty simple, but my goodness is it hard for me.

I will say that I have tried doing this twice in the past week and have tried to become more social. I went to my work Christmas party and even stayed after when they asked me to && I went to my friends Holiday Dinner that we normally have every year. Both of these I knew where going to have many people there and I wasn’t going to be able to hide myself in a corner. I was going to have to be social and that is just what I did.

I have lost touch with many friends and relationships due to my anxiety and not being as social as I was in previous years, and that does suck. It’s not that I didn’t care about them or that they didn’t care about me, it’s just that I didn’t know how to express what I was going through and too concerned with the “what if’s” to truly be a really good friend. For that, I am sorry.

In the future I am trying to make sure that I acknowledge the “what if’s” but that I get over them and just go for it. Otherwise, I will be missing out on some great adventures.

Until next time,

Maura.

Advertisements

Triumphs and The Struggle.

They say that when you are in your mid to latter twenties you really start to question who you are and why you are here. What greater purpose do you have for the world and what kind of impact will you make on those around you. I’ve been doing a lot of this thinking over the past three years as I looked into my daughters eyes one day and saw the smallest of grins scamper across her face. We didn’t say anything to each other, we just stared at each other. She then took my hand and led me to her room and crawled into my lap while I read her a book she picked out. It was at that moment that I realized that although at times I seriously doubt myself in my capabilities and my strength and wisdom, I am here to be there for her and everyone that comes across my path for a specific reason and that there is greater meaning to life beyond what I could even imagine.

As I have taken a very long hiatus from blogging, I haven’t stopped self reflecting. As many of my family and friends know, I am very sensitive and emotional but I keep it all wrapped up tightly in a locked box and barely ever find the key. So, here is a glimpse of my thoughts and my reflections about a few various topics that I hold dear to my heart.

  • My masters program is finally over-THANK THE LORD
  • My child wrote me a letter this morning describing how sorry she was for being a “GEARK” to me about cleaning up her bedroom-I’ve really got to stop saying jerk. She even used it in the correct tense. I mean she is smart and all but I don’t want her to pick up that.
  • I met my father for the first time two years ago. Since then, I have had maybe 4 or 5 phone conversations with him all amounting to maybe 45 minutes tops. I am accepting where he is in his life on his own path and have come to the realization that he was not and probably is not capable of everything I expect a father to be. And that is OK.
  • Being a single parent is tough and hard, but it is also rewarding and humbling at the same time.-I am forever grateful to my mother for raising me to value the things that I do and treat people with unconditional love.
    • But it sucks to have to do it and struggle through life when you had the dreams of the house with the picket fence with your best friend and realizing that like your father, he is not capable of what I expect in a husband or father for our own child. Which sucks.
  • Mental, Emotional and Physical mindset and shape are truly essential to getting things accomplished-Although I am not doing very well in any of those areas as of late, I am working on it and trying to evolve one step at a time.
    • Thank God for my friends and family and my faith for keeping me grounded when I am truly at my lowest points. They are truly an amazing support team and I would be lost without them.

Alright, there it is. Some of my most dear thoughts to myself as of late. I have started to read a mindset book that I think is helping me to alter my mindset on a lot of things that could bother someone like me. On a positive note, I learned my strengths over the last few months and have been on a more self reflective path so that I can clear the path for more happiness and vulnerability in my life so that change within myself can take place. Until next time, just keep swimming. 🙂

Here’s to me and an early birthday present!

image

image

image

So I just recently began to do some self reflecting and realized that I really like fashion and makeup and hair and wanted to fuse my love of #Disney with it.  Thankfully,  #Torrid makes #plussize Disney shirts and clothing!  They male Disney Princess stuff,  but also have the #villain collection which is my favorite!  So,  now to just figure out how to make my new shoes business casual so I can wear them to work 🙂

#DISNEY #DISNEYNERD #TORRID #DISNEY VILLAINS

A Little Self Acknowledgement

How many people who have had an absent parent/ family actually get to meet that person/ family and get a true understanding of them? Not many. Most parents that leave a young child behind do so out of hate, resentment, anger, or just because they don’t have the capacity to have that relationship. I have been very lucky and blessed to have been able to meet part of my family that I lost a long time ago and have them accept me and show me that they have never stopped loving me. Each person in their own unique capacity.

But with missing such a big part of someone’s life doesn’t come without a price. I have had such a negative self-concept and issues with abandonment that I was noticing that I was transferring my issues to my own child and needed for that to be changed. So I did something about it. For once.  I went and met the person who helped establish all of my deep seeded self-doubt and self-worth and actually realized why things were the way they are. Not all people are created equally. Not all people are able to give unconditional love. And not all people have the capacity to give others what they need. This is essentially why we are all different.

I have been on this journey of seeking and finding the reasons as to who I am and what I stand for and trying to build resistance to my own self-doubt and finally began to get some answers recently.  I have discovered a few things.

  • I’m worth all the dreams and aspirations that I have.
Rough Road Ahead? It's been a rough road since the beginning. I think I can handle it.

Rough Road Ahead? It’s been a rough road since the beginning. I think I can handle it.

  • I fill my “voids” through shopping and eating (like almost everyone else).
  • I am truly my own worst enemy.

Meeting my birth father was the first step for me to actually do something for myself that I felt would help me get a better picture of who I am. Next step, putting my mind to doing something and finish it with consistency (consistency being the hard part).

Fresh start

20140629_070052 

Everything has a beginning and end with struggles and triumphs along the way. Perspectives play a lot into what each and every one of us bring to each situation.  For some people it could be viewed as a small feat and triumph to run a block, for others it could be a huge daunting task that seems impossible. The other day I was listening to my 4 year old sing one of her favorite Cinderella songs about something seeming to be impossible. I had realized that in order to change my own outward appearance of fitness and health I would have to do the “impossible” and actually start doing something about it. So I did, and I have to admit that although it was hard to get into the grove of things and fight off crazy demon pizza and fast food I have been able to loose some weight and begin to get moving again (something that I had not done since leaving high school).  I have been using the MyFitnessPal app and a Fitbit to help me monitor and set goals in regards to activities and what I am actually eating/ putting into my body. Granted I have not lost a lot of weight but I am actually conscious of what I am eating in regards to the caloric intake and what I am going to have to do to remove that from my system. It’s not going in crazy and trying to overdo things, but modifying what I already do and maintaining that dedication. So for now, its early morning bike rides and slowly getting into running/ walking fast and trying to eat healthier. 🙂 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Object

Rain,  rain, go away

Come again….

Maybe a little bit sooner than May?

This winter has been quite unique if you live down in the south. Typically, our winters are filled with bright days and temperatures in the 60’s. There is normally less humidity and you can normally catch most Floridians outdoors and soaking up the sun. However, this year has been a little bit wetter than normal. It has been raining for the past three days with temperatures decreasing and increasing from the mid 70’s to the low 30’s. Now, for most people who actually have a winter season with cold weather and cloudy days, I understand how you might get a little stir crazy with freezing temperatures and slush. However, I am trying to stay positive through this dreary weather and found a few ways that rain has appeared in a positive or unique perspective in my own backyard.

Bee collecting pollen.

The rain has provided the nutrients for my flowers to grow, which has enabled the bees the ability to collect pollen.

Gerber Daisy

My Gerber Daisy plants are getting ready for the Spring season.

Rain on Leaf

 

…and lets face it, sometimes given the right light, even the dreariest of storms can lead to new paths.

Maura.

 

My 25th Birthday. && other annoying as heck life milestones.

Image

HOLY FUCK!  

        Yes I know, how rude of me to say it. But seriously, turning 25 has me pondering about a lot of life bullshit and re-evaluating a lot of things. (Side Note- Sorry mom for cussing).

So, for becoming 25,my first personal gift to myself has been:plantar fasciitis and a great heel spur that is supposedly attached itself to my achilles tendon (shit fucking hurts), super sexy $230 orthodic shoe inserts, a cortizone shot (instead of a typical shot of liquor), an X-Ray that I must admit has got to be the best picture I’ve had recently  and it’s just getting started. Now, normally I do pretty well with shots and needles. I have two tattoos and have had stitches and a C-Section and can handle pain pretty well. However, today when the doctor told me I was going to get a cortizone shot to help with “pain management” I thought that the shot was going to be a breeze in the wind and not worry about it. Unfortunately, reality soon changed to my foot being frozen and the worst shot of my life. First off, (not to sound like I’ve got ratchet ass feet) she had to press so damn hard to get through the thick skin with that needle that I thought I was immediately dying. Then, she stopped for a second because I’m assuming my face looked like I was about to rip her throat out, and then resumed and went deeper. I could feel her break into the tendon with the needle and at that point I was done.

My second personal gift, (or ongoing gift should I say), is that I have been trying to “liven” up my life with things that I would consider to be on a bucket list. Granted, I feel like I am not that original so most times I gather inspiration from other people and then can create things based off of their creativity. So, I have been wanting to do a girls trip with my best friends before everyone goes off and gets married and leaves our city and has too much stuff to do. So this weekend, I splurged and got a hotel room in Orlando and went out for the first time in a very long time. Upon our arrival to our hotel and after checking in, there where a few things that I began to notice. Now, I’m not a complete bitch, but I do like door handles on the sliding glass door to the shower and a lock and handle on the sliding glass door that leads onto a balcony (even if we are on the 3rd floor). Needless to say I was disappointed with the hotel but my friends revamped my spirits and took me out for some “adult” playtime. First stop was the Vera Bradley outlet in which I got a cute little backpack to carry all of my stuff for Disney in for the next day. This backpack was one of the things that I had wanted ever since I was in middle school and never got, so I treated myself and when my daughter gets old enough she can take it with her to school. We got hungry so we went to Bahama Breeze for dinner (one of my favorite restaurants) and then made our way to Howl At the Moon in which we got to sing and people watch (two of my favorite things). Being able to be with my friends that are more like my sisters for my birthday was the perfect way to bring in the big 25. 

My third birthday present to myself is my application for my Masters Degree. I have decided to go back to school to Master in Educational Leadership so that I could possibly bring forth more change for the students in my class as well as around my school (wherever I am at). I got into education to enlighten students to have a dream about being successful, in return my students have inspired me to continue to grow in my own education. So, yay for more school loans and yay for long nights studying and papers being written. The perks though are getting more school supplies for myself for a change and keeping my brain engaged on whats going on and possibly fostering a culture for change. 🙂 

Adding to the list of ideas for a bucket list for things to do each day, stay tuned. 

Vegetables. Yoga Pants. Bucket List. & Tequila

photo

What do they all have in common you may ask?

Me.

Yes, while everyone is on the bandwagon of “getting fit and healthy” I figured I might as well join in on the fun.

But I figured that I would also just go ahead and evaluate my life in general of what is working and what is DEFINITELY not. The goal there would be to have the ability to recognize what is going on and being able to fix what isn’t.

One thing that is not working is my obsession with bread and carbs. I could seriously eat my weight in bread, pasta, rice, and just plain JUNK!

How do you offset this? Giving it up cold turkey. So, for starters I am giving this “ingenious plan” a month. 31 days. Yes that is 31 days of me trying to be nice but really going to be a mean “_itch”. Good luck to those that I come in contact with 🙂

Step 2. Bucketlist.

I am 24 about to be 25 in January. I have traveled a little bit but want to see more, do more, and give more.

That means, traveling more, finding projects to do within my city, and just going to see things. It doesn’t have to be something extraordinary, but just something.

Hopefully tequila will NOT be that heavily involved 🙂

No liquid courage needed here. Just courage, and some comfy yoga pants. 🙂